My Life in Smiley: I Got This! (mostly...) Read online

  Monday

  I called up Tom and Nico today. Lucky me—they hadn’t gone on vacation either! So they were super motivated to go to the grocery store with me.

  I thought long and hard about my list in order to group foods that went TOGETHER.

  hamburger + French

  fries

  chicken nuggets + mac & cheese

  hot dogs + potato

  chips

  You’ll notice that at no point did I ever mention fish. And there’s a good reason for that. Have I already told you the story about Bullotin? Bullotin was my goldfish.

  I won him in a game against Martin Picard at the school carnival when I was in first grade. I was so proud to have a pet. But one morning, I woke up and Bullotin was floating in his bowl. I called my dad to show him how well Bullotin could do the backstroke, but he told me to go brush my teeth. When I came back to my room, the bowl

  had disappeared.

  Dad told me my fish had left to go to the Olympic Games on the other side of the world and that he wouldn’t be coming back. I was really impressed:

  Bullotin had the spirit of a champion. I was so excited to tell the whole school about his adventure.

  Except when I came back home from school, the first thing that I did was go to the bathroom. When I looked into the toilet bowl, I had the shock of my life!

  Dear future human, suffice it to say that this traumatic experience called for three sessions with a “shrink,” and ever since then I refuse to eat fish.

  At the supermarket, Tom, Nico, and I

  noticed that there was a “promotional activity” for a new fruit juice. Someone dressed up as a monkey was giving out small paper cups of banana juice to shoppers. We went to go and see the monkey . . . well, I guess . . . the person dressed up as a monkey.

  Get this: it was Philippe, my old babysitter! He recognized me right away. He told us that he was developing a new brand of juice that was “100% healthy and organic.”

  We didn’t really understand all of his explanations,

  but it’s clear he had every intention of becoming RICH! But to tell you the truth, that didn’t shock me at all. Back in the day, Philippe already had “the stuff” to be a businessman. When he would come to babysit us, we’d already taken our bath and dinner was ready. He didn’t have to do ANYTHING ELSE except to say two things:

  “Yum! Yum!” and “Bedtime!” Then he’d plop down in front of the TV until my parents came home and collect his $60.

  Wednesday

  My plan is working wonderfully! It’s been almost two weeks since I started getting the groceries and managing meals. Since

  then, Dad’s “leftover innovations” are a thing of the past!

  With all of his work at S Inc., my dad has permanently given up the meal planning. He even seems delighted with my “gourmet” specials.

  And if my math is right,

  I’ve earned almost $55, which has helped me buy new copies of Qwik Notes for the library. Pshh!! To think, I could have bought Dogs of Hell with all of that money.

  Thursday

  You can choose to believe me or not, but all of the copies of Qwik Notes from the library reappeared on my desk as if by magic!

  As I was sitting there, absolutely astonished, my mom came in my room. I realized that she had tricked me! My mom explained that she’d wanted to show me how bad it was to cheat, but since I’d proven myself to be very “mature,” she’d decided to return the guides if I promised to go exchange them tomorrow for the real books assigned for Reading Passion.

  Mom, I love you, but I was almost in DEEP doo-doo because of YOU! Not to mention the fact that I now have TWO copies of Qwik Notes!

  Friday

  I went and returned my copies of Qwik Notes to the bookstore and took the others back to the library, where I spent most of the day with Nico working on the papers for Reading Passion.

  Fortunately, I know that real readers actually “skim”—and believe me, that’s exactly what we did. We were done around 3:00 p.m. It’s crazy how

  much I’m putting into a silly reading club!

  Afterward, Nico and I went

  for a walk. Since he just moved here, I told him about all of my adventures from last year. Nico comes from the south of France. He told me that his dad died in a car accident. That really moved me. . . .

  His mom was transferred around here this year, which is how he ended up at our school.

  We had a lot of stuff to share: he loves trail mix, American basketball (especially LeBron James),

  and video games. He’s an astronomy buff and a fan of the TV show Middle School Madness. And the worst present he’s ever received is doughnut slippers for his eighth birthday.

  The slippers were so huge that he tripped and broke a leg! I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, and neither could he. This dude is pretty cool!

  Monday

  One day back in school, and I’ve already had enough! Today in science, Mrs. Le Clone told us we were going to go over a sensitive subject: puberty and reproduction. Needless to say, that was all it took for the whole class to

  break out in laughter. Then the teacher announced that she was going to show us a video.

  As for me, I’m an expert on the question of where babies come from.

  When I was eight, my dad took me aside and got out a book that had to have been in our family for at least five generations.

  I think my parents were just paranoid that Marion would spill the beans . . . like she always does. Luckily this discussion didn’t happen when my dad was learning Russian, or I would’ve been

  completely lost.

  At least something juicy was FINALLY going down at school. The last REAL questions I’d been wondering about would be answered once and for all. Questions like: What do “mosquito bites” have to do with girls’ chests?

  In order to be a real man, do you have to know how to raise only one eyebrow instead of both? How do you get a deep and masculine voice?

  If you put deodorant on your cheeks, does that make your beard grow faster? Mrs. Le Clone started the video and then turned out the lights and demanded complete silence.

  I used this as an opportunity to change seats and slide in next to Naïs. This documentary was THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME to get closer to her. And—if I could muster the courage—I would even try to hold her hand at exactly the most romantic moment.

  The video started, and suddenly the title of the documentary came on the screen:

  Wednesday

  Since seventh grade has been nothing but a string of disappointments so far, I’ve decided to put all my hopes into a much more spectacular project. Why? For three simple reasons:

  To quit worrying about school (thanks to reason #3).

  To impress Naïs.

  To get RICH.

  And I’ve given it some thought. If I want to “charm” Naïs, I need to become someone important . . .

  ASAP!

  Everyone knows that, in movies, girls are always attracted to the successful guys with ambition.

  Well, well, dear future human, my genius brain had no trouble sprouting a totally awesome idea!

  I am going to create A BRAND that will be called I.A.G. as in . . . IT’S ALL GOOD! It’ll be just like Philippe, my old babysitter, and his innovative banana juice! My plan is to create T-shirts and baseball caps with graffiti designs.

  So this afternoon I got together with Nico and that ole slug Tom to explain my project. Jackpot! They wanted in. Tom will be the designer, Nico will be the communication director, and I’ll be the project director. Pretty cool, huh?

  You may now address me by my formal title, Professor Maestro MAXimum (dolla billz) Bossman.

  Sunday

  I had a TERRIBLE weekend.
/>   Yesterday, my parents decided that we needed to spend more time together as a family. So out of the blue, they took us to a little amusement park called Game Yard—but it was a total fiasco! I was stuck in the “Cursed Labyrinth” for two hours. My parents kept waving

  at me frantically from above to tell me which way to go, but I didn’t understand a thing. I was going in circles for what felt like an eternity, constantly bumping into the walls.

  Finally, they went and got one of the supervisors to lead me to the exit.

  Then a huge bulldog took a bite out of Lisa’s cotton candy. She started wailing until we finally went home.

  And to top it all off, my parents stumbled on Marion’s phone, where they found some compromising texts.

  And so they immediately confiscated her phone, and my dad gave her a lecture about how Tristan Le Bouzec was FAR TOO OLD for her.

  Ever since then, she’s been in a horrible mood! She’s acting like she has a

  broken heart because of my parents’ cruelty, but if you ask me, dear future human, she’s really just obsessed with her phone.

  Monday

  My brand project isn’t moving forward at all.

  Tom was supposed to show me “prototypes,” but I haven’t seen squat, and that wimp has been MIA since Friday. I’ve gone to the secret passage a few times to wait for him, but he hasn’t shown up. Nico is still thinking about a “media strategy,” but we have to hurry up or someone might steal my idea.

  In other news, right now at school it’s all the rage to write little notes in each other’s planners. It’s the perfect way for me to slip Naïs a message that’s both “original” and “poetic.”

  And believe me, dear future human, I am a far more romantic writer than Tristan Le Bouzec.

  But this moron Raoul went ALL OUT. He practically wrote “I love you” in all of the girls’ planners!

  As for the boys, they were entitled to a much more . . . special treatment: he stuck his old chewed-up gum in all of our planners!

  Friday

  A little while back, my mom decided to start waking up at six in the morning.

  She’s convinced that getting up before sunrise is THE secret to “becoming one’s best self.” Personally, I don’t share my mother’s new obsession. A teenager needs lots

  of sleep; it’s proven science!

  And it’s precisely because of this fact that this morning I slept in, was super late, and didn’t have a choice:

  But at the end of the day, there was a message on the front gate of school that forced me to make a drastic decision: NEVER AGAIN am I going to ask an adult for help.

  Monday

  I’ve just discovered something: Tom has been out of touch recently because he’s spending A LOT OF TIME with Célia.

  Here’s what happened. As I

  was leaving school, I completely stumbled upon them kissing on the street corner. Frankly, it wasn’t a pretty sight to see!

  Since then he seems to be floating on cloud nine.

  How could that snail double-cross me like this?

  Wednesday

  So Tom and Célia are officially in love, and it’s totally messing with my head. Yesterday morning, there was no one at the secret passage. They came to school hand in hand, and they spent all of recess together.

  Dear future human, I can already hear you saying I’m jealous. Well . . . you’re not wrong. I’d be pretty happy if Naïs fell in love with me.

  Why does it always feel like good things only happen to other people?

  Thankfully, I wasn’t all alone. In the lunchroom, Nico told me that he’d just come up with our brand logo:

  It was a terrific idea, and it even made me smile again!

  Last night I suddenly decided to send a text to Tom and Nico for an emergency meeting. A little bit of pressure and everything will be in order! Dear future human, I think I’ve already got the right stuff to be a major “business executive.”

  This afternoon, Tom began sketching designs for our collection, and the results were killer. Yellow heads with big smiles—it was awesome.

  Meanwhile, Nico told me that he had another idea: since he’s enrolled at the YMCA, he’d heard that there was a gardening activity planned before Christmas with a group of old folks from the nursing home, Pleasant Gardens. He suggested that all three of us sign up for it with the GOAL of organizing an IAG presale there. I thought that was brilliant!

  Friday

  Presto! We enrolled in the old folks’ activity without any problem. So far, I want to say, It’s All Good! LOL

  Obviously, you can bet we didn’t tell them we were going to participate just so we could advertise our brand. Still, the activity seemed kinda cool: gardening on the main grounds of the retirement home and having a snack with the seniors. The other good news is that since this summer, Mrs. Quinion, my old neighbor, has been living at Pleasant Gardens. She’s the perfect person to PULL STRINGS for us!

  Like I said—I already have the spirit of a CEO!

  When I told my mom about all this, she said I’m “improving myself by the day.” I definitely won’t be the one to tell her otherwise.

  Monday

  Tom told Célia about how we were going to Pleasant Gardens to join their outing. She apparently passed this on to Naïs, who seemed really impressed with our generosity.

  This made me realize Tom and Célia could be a serious asset in my efforts to charm Naïs.

  But I also had to draft contracts for Tom and Nico with a “confidentiality clause.”

  Numero uno, if our idea got out, Raoul or one of his losers could steal it.

  Numero two-no, I wouldn’t want Naïs to discover our “business” and think I’m just some kind of self-serving person.

  Wednesday

  Today was the big day! Time for our visit to Pleasant Gardens. Tom, Nico, and I were totally ready. I’d practiced some sales techniques from Nico. I’d even gone back to several relaxation exercises from Children Soft as Pandas,

  in case the jitters prevented me from being convincing. And I have to admit that Tom did a really good job. We three make a nice team!

  So after school, we took the bus to the retirement home. Guess who came along with the group? Ramoupoulos, the PE teacher!

  Unlike last year, no one was waiting for us at the entrance, and we stood there forever till someone opened the gate for us. I wanted to get back on the bus, but it had already left.

  (Just between us, I always wonder what the bus drivers are up to while we’re on field trips.)

  We had to walk all the way from the gate to the building. Ramoupoulos got it in his head to make us jog the whole way,

  so I arrived at the front door out of breath, red, and covered in sweat.

  My very first action after becoming a confirmed businessman will be hiring a chauffeur!

  What happened next, dear future human, was not great. . . . It started to rain cats and dogs, so much that the gardening was canceled. So then half of the old folks decided to snooze

  in their rooms. We wound up shut away in a projection room, watching a horribly boring documentary about illness prevention.

  I looked around me, and I didn’t see any of the people who I sang “Hope and Life” in front of last year. I didn’t even see Mrs. Quinion, who could’ve saved me from this whole situation. At one point, Nico spotted a little old lady who seemed nice.

  He was elbowing me to join him and go see her. But before we got up, she fell asleep . . .

  and she was followed close behind by Ramoupoulos, who started snoring louder than half of the old folks combined!

  Eventually, Ramoupoulos told us that the bus had arrived—and not a moment too soon. On the way home, I was asking myself if I should just switch my career path to school bus driver.

 
Monday

  This morning, Tom, Nico, and I “debriefed” between classes. Debrief is a term my dad often uses when he comes back from S Inc. And I’m sure Philippe, my old babysitter, debriefs all the time for his juice business.

  We’d failed at the whole IAG presale, but we’d figured out the elderly are not the ideal clientele for our products.

  Friday

  This morning, in the middle of social studies with Mrs. Gigolet, the principal came to our class. He informed us that a new student would be arriving in January.

  He tormented us with an entire speech on the “spirit of solidarity” we’ll need to demonstrate, because according to him, the new student is disabled.